Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes..

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Jokes..

    How to get to Heaven from Ireland

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday
    School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
    Heaven.
    I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,
    Had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
    that Get me into heaven?'

    'NO!' the children Answered.

    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
    Garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

    Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to Smile.

    'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets
    To all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
    Heaven?'

    Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
    I was just Bursting with pride for them.

    I continued, 'Then how can I Get into heaven?'

    A six year-old boy shouted out:


    " YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
    _________________________________________________

  • #2
    AAHHH **** THE PAIN **
    A dentist pulled out a hypodermic to give his patient a painkiller.

    'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

    So the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide and once again the bloke objected.
    'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objection to taking a pill.

    'No problem,' the bloke said. 'I'm fine with pills.'

    The dentist said, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

    The bloke gasped, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!'

    'It doesn't.' Said the dentist. 'But it will give you something to hold on to while I extract your tooth.

    Comment


    • #3
      The Duck is Dead missus!

      A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

      After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

      The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

      "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

      "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.

      The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

      He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to
      bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

      The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

      A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

      The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

      The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 150 euros!" she cried; "150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

      The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20 euros, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......
      'Never look down on a person unless you're helping them up'.
      .

      Comment


      • #4
        I thought id share my new recipe with you all!

        enjoy!

        Easy Chicken Recipe


        Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

        4 - 5 lb.Chicken
        1 cup melted butter
        1 cup stuffing
        1 cup uncooked popcorn
        Salt/pepper to taste
        Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
        Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
        Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn
        Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

        Listen for the popping sounds.

        When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

        And, you thought I couldn't cook...

        Comment


        • #5
          a dying man lay in bed and smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting from the kitchen.
          crawling out of bed and painstakingly creeping down the stairs on his hands and knees he pushed open the kitchen door and crept over to the table where the scones were, hot and so inviting.
          he reached up to take one when his wife slapped him with the wooden spoon
          and said "fcuk off. they are for the funeral".

          Comment


          • #6
            hahahhaha...id do that lol..

            Comment


            • #7
              hope this is ok.
              little johnny had an african father and an israeli mother.
              he asked his dad if he was more african or more israeli?
              why asked his dad?
              johnny said that his buddy had a bicycle for sale for 50dollars,
              and he was'nt sure wether to try and bargain him down to 25 dollars,
              or wait till dark and just steal it.

              Comment


              • #8
                'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
                'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
                It is what it is.

                Comment


                • #9
                  too funny Newtry...and pam i actually saw something like that happen in a court in toronto heheh

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What would ye call a judge with no balls?














                    Justice mickey!!!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Blonde Car Accident

                      One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

                      The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

                      He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

                      Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

                      The blonde started laughing.

                      This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

                      This time the blonde laughed even harder.

                      Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

                      The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

                      The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

                      Comment


                      • #12

                        Latest kitchen accesseries for women!!
                        Last edited by cogito; 11-02-2021, 03:03 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Love that one Jimmy....lol
                          It is what it is.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Jimmymac View Post
                            What would ye call a judge with no balls?





                            Justice Mickey?
                            Originally posted by Jimmymac View Post








                            Justice mickey!!!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Pammy got so fed-up being ripped off that she decided to do a course in the evenings on Home Improvements / DIY.

                              So pleased was she at the end of the course that she decided to put her new-found expertise to good use and went around a number of houses in the Whitehall area to drum up some business as a handyman-type.

                              She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

                              "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
                              The blonde said, "How about 50 Euro?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
                              The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

                              A short time later, the bould Pammy came to the door to collect her money.
                              "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," Pammy answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the €50. "And by the way," the Pammy added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
                              Last edited by cogito; 11-02-2021, 03:03 AM.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X