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Steve Wright One Liners

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  • Steve Wright One Liners

    The Quotes of Steven Wright:
    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    3 - Half the people you know are below average.
    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
    19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

    Bonus: I bought some dehydrated water but I didn't know what to add.

    Please follow my adventures
    #gasmoneytour2024​

  • #2
    One from Mr Simpson ........... I'll get out of here alive if it kills me .

    Good one Bo ...... will keep a few of them in my back pocket .

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    • #3
      Mark Twain, Samuel Clemens, also had some good stuff.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by bojangles View Post
        The Quotes of Steven Wright:
        1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
        2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
        3 - Half the people you know are below average.
        4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
        5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
        6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
        7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
        8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
        9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
        10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
        11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
        12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
        13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
        14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
        15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
        16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
        17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
        18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
        19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
        20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
        21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
        22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
        23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
        24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
        25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
        26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
        27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
        28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
        29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
        30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
        31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
        32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
        33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
        34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
        35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

        Bonus: I bought some dehydrated water but I didn't know what to add.

        Please follow my adventures
        #gasmoneytour2024​
        As school kids we all thought we were clever with our drawing of a jar with a written label ,Instant H2O..........just add water.

        Comment

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